Known Associates

Most Wanted

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Organized Crime Division – Case File #022826

SUBJECT: Classified Briefing
A highly dangerous and unusually charismatic criminal organization operating across state lines under the codename Syndicate 228. Believed to be spearheaded by an unassuming bride-to-be, the group uses elaborate cover stories (weddings, vacations, brunches) to mask a far-reaching web of affection, style crimes, cultural influence, and celebratory lawlessness.

All members are considered charming, well-dressed, and extremely persuasive. Approach with caution—and probably champagne.

Ariel Schlef

  • This crew exists because of her. The ties, the tales, the chaos—they all trace back to one source. She's the bride, the boss, and the architect of this entire operation.

  • Orchestrating a multi-jurisdictional affair with a custom crest, a website coded in wit, and a wedding of epic proportions. Her fingerprints are on every major decision, every minor detail, and every guest’s emotional state.

  • Suspected ringleader of a cross-state alliance involving florists, bakers, and a shady RSVP ring. Known aliases include “The Bride.”

Alias: The Queenpin aka The Don

Victoria Sorg

  • Official architect of the bachelorette bacchanal. Operates at a spiritual frequency higher than most mortals, often confused for a walking disco ball of chaotic good. Will bring confetti to a federal indictment if allowed.

  • Organized one of the most elite cross-state conspiracies of good times and questionable decisions in recent memory. Known to weaponize group texts, spreadsheets, and vision boards with alarming precision. Occasionally spotted whispering sweet nothings to a color-coded itinerary.

  • Surveillance confirms repeated distribution of vibe-enhancing substances: espresso martinis, group selfies, and just one more bar. Suspected of coordinating cross-border joy with The Queenpin. Still at large.

Alias: Mistress of Mayhem

Reagan Hamilton

  • Youngest on the crew and smarter than all of us combined. Right hand to the Don. Sharp-tongued, soft-hearted, and likely to roast you and then hand you a mimosa. Operates with impunity under diplomatic immunity granted by sheer charm and audacity.

  • Often deployed for frontline damage control and one-liner warfare. Known to infiltrate family gatherings and destabilize tension with surgical-grade sarcasm.

  • Intelligence reports show a pattern of sass trafficking across state lines. Suspected of coordinating synchronized takedowns with The Mistress of Mayhem. Monitor closely—potential future queenpin activity detected.

Alias: The Caporegime aka The Second

Kathleen Hamilton

  • The behind-the-scenes advisor everyone thinks they’re confiding in but is actually five moves ahead. Smiles like a saint, strategizes like a Bond villain. Capable of turning a brunch into a boardroom.

  • Her fingerprints are on every successful plot hatched within the family. Frequently seen in strategic meetings dispensing wisdom and redirecting chaos with a disarming head tilt. Frequent suspect in cases involving logic so airtight it's considered a deadly weapon in three states. Trusted to keep secrets, solve disputes, and read fine print for fun.

  • Charged with repeated charm offenses leading to mass compliance. No known weaknesses except fine champagne and perfectly timed witticisms.

Alias: The Consigliere

Gina Birkemeier

  • Glamour and grit wrapped in a perfectly steamed satin blouse. Commands respect with a single arched brow and considers silence a weapon. Stylish, strategic, and occasionally terrifying.

  • Responsible for multi-layered psychological operations. Known to neutralize threats with a swift turn of phrase and a necklace that doubles as brass knuckles. Unlicensed possession of bold lipstick and family tea. Last seen coordinating relatives like a one-woman NATO summit.

  • Subject refuses legal representation, claiming “I’ll talk if I damn well feel like it.” Immunity not advised; the sequins are a repeat fabulous offense. Notorious for family text chains and advice with suspicious accuracy. Considered armed and fabulous.

Alias: The Matriarch

Richard “Doc” Schlef

  • A soundwave hazard in human form. Can’t be left unsupervised near a mic, a speaker, or an aux cord. Equal parts chaos and charisma. Brings music, jokes, and volume. Might be playing guitar, might be leading a toast, might be both at once.

  • Multiple counts of public storytelling, dad jokes without warning, and general charming disorder. Beloved by strangers, bar staff, and small dogs.

  • Subject considered a walking jukebox. Approach with caution if carrying an acoustic instrument—he will commandeer the room.

Alias: Doc

Paige Weis

  • She didn’t come to play—she came to serve. Paige shows up like a Vogue cover shoot and still manages to be 10 steps ahead of every logistical hiccup. Beautiful and brilliant: choose your fighter.

  • Photographic evidence shows consistent appearance at events looking flawless. Possibly has an underground fashion ring. Brain like a steel trap. Louboutins double as weapons

  • Fashion crime scenes include: airport arrivals, rehearsal dinners, and Instagram stories. No known aliases. No bad angles. No off days. Has weaponized elegance and made it look effortless.

Alias: The Duchess

Taryn Westra

  • Vice President of wine sales. Hobby farmer. Star baker. Owner of one of the best heads of hair in the tristate area. Rumored to have fermented an entire dinner party into joyful submission using only a Dutch oven and a Bordeaux.

  • Allegedly responsible for turning multiple Syndicate members into accidental wine snobs. Responsible for at least three nights no one can fully remember—but everyone insists were amazing.

  • Multiple counts of unsolicited refills, emotional support Pinot, and whispering “one more bottle” after everyone agreed to go home. At large and still pouring. Still dangerous.

Alias: The Vintner

Sonia Dziubek

  • No mess too messy, no meltdown too melty. Solves problems before they exist and shows up with a solution, a smile, and usually a bottle of something bubbly.

  • Seen coordinating cleanups (emotional and logistical) with surgical precision. Tends to arrive post-chaos with napkins, Advil, and a plan to make it all okay.

  • Linked to multiple incidents involving rogue corks, unauthorized popping, and excessive sparkle. Charged with making everyone else look unprepared.

Alias: The Fixer

Luke Westra

  • Mastermind of many late-night escapades, and likely the first to suggest a shot and a deep philosophical conversation. Known for building big ideas and bigger nights, often using nothing but charisma, charm, and a suspiciously well-stocked workshop.

  • Frequently spotted in the vicinity of good times and better sound systems. Once reverse-engineered a party using only a sparkler and a Bluetooth speaker. Known accomplice of merriment, mischief, and midnight brilliance.

  • Under investigation for crafting vibes out of thin air and distributing them without a permit. Suspected of 3D-printing the solution to every problem you've ever had.

Alias: The Inventor

Tim Dziubek

  • Quick with a joke, quicker with a comeback. Married to The Fixer. Equal parts mischief and good dad energy, Tim’s the guy who says the one thing that makes the whole table fall over laughing.

  • Multiple priors in one-liner excellence, aggravated charm, and fatherhood flexing. Known accomplice to neighborhood block parties and wanted for aiding and abetting rogue wine nights.

  • Repeat offender in mood elevation. Investigation ongoing into connection between him and everyone having “just one more drink.”

Alias: The Comeback Kid

Kara Kahler

  • Owns more passport stamps than furniture. Known for coordinating getaways both literal and metaphorical. May or may not be in the country right now.

  • Seen in three cities within a single 24-hour period. Travel advisory in effect. Often followed by trail of espresso martinis, luxury carry-ons, and speed-walked TSA lines.

  • Evidence includes: last-minute bookings, suspicious upgrades, and Instagram posts that scream “arrest me in Mykonos.” Interpol remains confused and low-key obsessed. Flight risk. 

Alias: The Jetsetter

Jonathan DeBona

  • Pop culture savant and unapologetic Britney Spears historian. Also a stand-up comic. If you think you know more about Buffy, prepare to be emotionally corrected.

  • Charged with rewriting social norms one punchline at a time. Suspected of selling limited-edition Britney vinyls on the black market of irony.

  • Subject performs under his legal name, yet operates with the covert force of an entire Batsu subculture. Approach with caution if you're out of touch. May strike again at any social gathering with weak vibes.

Alias: The Slayer

Katie O’Connor

  • Absurdly fit. Alarming levels of discipline. Frequently caught sprinting toward greatness while the rest of us are still looking for our water bottles.

  • Caught scaling literal and metaphorical mountains before 9am. May have smuggled pre-workout across several state lines.

  • Found in possession of multiple medals, protein shakes, and spreadsheets labeled “PB goals.” Last seen running from the cops.

Alias: The Fugitive

Katie Wolfe

  • An icon of theme commitment, Housewives commentary, and late-night choreography. Katie doesn’t just bring the party—she is the party. Costumes optional, but encouraged.

  • Reckless abandonment of personal space while under the influence of rhythm. Frequently causes others to join in, against better judgment. Suspect refuses to sit down.

  • Video evidence includes 47 Instagram Stories and one shaky TikTok with 18K likes. Danced her way through the arrest. Still hasn’t left the dance floor.

Alias: Miss Conduct

Sarah Grace Williams

  • Runs the aux cord like a black-market operation. Turns a funeral playlist into a pregame with three swipes. May cause sudden outbreaks of dance.

  • Wanted in six jurisdictions for dropping bangers at socially irresponsible hours. Known to vanish into a crowd only to reappear at the aux cord at exactly the right moment.

  • Subject blends intellect and beats at dangerously high levels. Has been known to turn a rooftop party into a revolution with just one track.

Alias: The Spin Doctor

Megan Secor

  • A walking toast. Elevates any event into an Occasion™. Sweet enough to host a bridal shower and wild enough to name your fiancé “The Gin Fairy” and make it stick. Always hosting, always laughing, always the first to pour another round.

  • Runs a known safe house in Columbus for tired millennial Chicago visitors. All records sealed due to overwhelming charm. Suspect’s vibe: champagne and cheekbones.

  • Subject is high-risk for hospitality. Brings charm, gin, and a suspicious level of joy. Probable cause for your hangover.

Alias: The Bombshell

Molly Olejownik

  • As a licensed professional in emotional intel (read: therapist), she’s trained to listen—but don’t mistake her silence for softness. Trusted with more intel than the FBI.

  • Known for secure cookie recipes and classified Target runs. Suspect has therapeutic credentials and crafting expertise. Spotted in possession of a Cricut and high-grade cardstock with potential intent to personalize.

  • Charges of "association by marriage" pending further review. Suspected of crafting under the influence. Holds more tea than Fortnum & Mason but keeps it steeped in silence.

Alias: The Confidante